bleh. lately i’ve been in this perpetual mood where nothing makes sense and i no longer even have the energy to question why. as a kid growing up, you have these big visions and dreams of how things will change and what life will be like once you reach “adulthood.” and then you get there and you can’t help but shake your head in disbelief, realizing that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, and feeling like you’ve been had… duped… the victim of a cruel hoax! i guess the old folks weren’t bullshitting when they’d try to assuage me with, “you’ll understand when you’re older.” or “just wait ’til you’re actually there.”
what we really come to understand is that regardless of who we work for or how we dress or where we hang out, we’re all just laying our own heads down at night, filled with personal dramas and individual tragedies. and you can think that you know what life’s like for someone else, but all we really know is that it’s different for all of us. then on top of that mental shit, there’s an entire world of sufferers out there with greater, “real”er problems than that, and you can’t help but feel guilt. i mean, who am i to cry about my social anxiety every day when there are people that are a 2-minute walk away from my front door who have no home, or a 12-hour plane ride away who are victims of the devastating earthquake? situations like the ones in japan and libya and haiti and chile and wherever else snatch you right out of that little bubble world where you’re president, and bring you right back to reality—the reality where you’re just a scratch on the surface, a cog in the machine that is the universe. kind of scary, kind of sad, but ultimately just confusing—though i’d say these thoughts might be typical for the standard early 20-something. then again, i wouldn’t exactly call myself standard, either…
i need that little jolt of inspiration again. i need some excitement, some uncertainty, something new. like back when i was small and i could only hope and dream and imagine about who i’d become instead of feeling like i’d seen all there is to a stale world. but i’m feeling like this might be part of the reason i still feel like such a little girl. i’m still in shock and disbelief that this is all there is to my adulthood, almost like i’m rebelling against “growing up” until my dream life makes itself known. but i’m still young, and just around the corner is a whole new season ahead of me to get back into the groove of shit and work towards that dream life, so i refuse to fret. what’s the best way to wake your senses and get out of a mental/emotional slump, huh? vacation? juice fast? haircut? seriously, i appreciate any input—months of indecisive weather and condensed kreplach have finally taken their toll on me!
remember back in the day when they used to have those I SPY books in school? maaan, those were my absolute favorite. i stole a few from the dr.’s office when i was a kid and still have them to this day, and even though i pretty much have all of the hiding places memorized, i love just looking at the imagery. i remember being jealous of whoever’s job it was to actually set up the scenes in the photos. getting to touch all of those tiny props and toys was like, one of my ultimate childhood fantasies.
not that artist rob sato has anything to do with said books, but his work did remind me of them in the way that his pieces are so detailed, one picture being created through the culmination of many smaller ones. i was turned on to him by my brother, who bought his “elysian park” print for his new apartment. i’m definitely more partial to his newer work, which is a little bit darker and a lot more intricate. i spy with my big, round eye…
is it just me or is the logic behind greenlighting this movie completely messed up? i was watching this film for the first time a few hours ago—i believe it was on hbo—and i was gobsmacked that someone actually gave the okay on this.
i mean, lorne michaels has produced some pretty bad snl movies, but most of ‘em came out in the ’90s, when it was easier to get a movie made, and when snl was coming off what could arguably be considered its best five-year stretch (the farley, sandler, myers, spade, hartman run).
but while i was watching this movie, i got a little irritated. why? because all you hear about in la (or film school, to be more specific) is how hard it is to make movies nowadays. and i don’t mean the low(er) budget, straight-to-the-festival-circuit types, i’m talking studio-backed, wide-released movies. it’s too expensive, people don’t want to take risks, etc., etc.
then what the fuck is macgruber? how was this not a huge risk? has there ever been a good snl crossover movie? night at the roxbury, maybe? i don’t even know. i’m struggling to think of one here. and to make it worse, this skit isn’t even funny in its original format. that’s the part that gets me. if i were one of the suits, i would’ve seriously greenlit a 3-hour epic based on “the barry gibb talk show” before i gave this a thumbs up. at least stuart saves his family was based on a mildly amusing skit. even superstar had a few choice moments, but this right here just fucks with my head.
if you had a dog that kept crapping on your bathroom rug, would you put him in the bedroom hoping he’d improve with the more expensive carpeting? no, you wouldn’t. because that’s just ridiculous.
so, last friday i followed up with hr chick, as instructed by maryse and anna, and ended up leaving her a voicemail. half an hour later, i get a rejection email that the position had been filled internally four days prior, though at the time of our phone conversation, i was the number one candidate. dang. second place, yet again. why would they promise me a face-to-face meeting then screw me over without a timely explanation? if i hadn’t followed up with them, i’m 98% sure they would’ve left me twittling my thumbs indefinitely, which really bothers me because hr chick knew that my spring semester schedule could potentially be affected by whether or not an offer would be made (i would’ve had to remove or reschedule one class, which i was okay with, and told her as much), so i couldn’t be left in the dark.
this was my response:
1/28/11
Dear ________,
Thank you for your response. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at ______ Studios.
This year, I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates available, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
I certainly appreciate the time, skill and creativity invested in submitting your letter of rejection. Despite your outstanding qualifications and likely having previous experience in rejecting many quality applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate employment with your establishment on Monday of the following week (2/7/11). Please arrange the appropriate details with your Human Resources department and Accounting teams. I look forward to being a part of the ______ Studios staff. See you then!
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
Mari
KIDDING. i sure was tempted to send that, though.
looks like it’s back to the grind for me. hr chick said she’s keeping my name at the top of the list of candidates for upcoming opportunities. that’s sweet of her, but i’m done holding my breath with these people. i’m already red in the face from this last merry-go-round she spun me on.
****
in other news, i’ve decided to take a break from this blog for a little while. actually, i’m taking a break from socializing on the internet, period. i deleted my facebook, deactivated a couple forum accounts, and twitter’s next. nothing particularly horrible or traumatizing has happened (more like the amalgamation of minor annoyances and incidents that have spiked my anxiety levels), i’m just in a weird limbo state right now and i haven’t been compelled to share much. i think between planning to transfer schools, having shit luck finding a job, pets dying, siblings moving, and everything in between, i just have no energy to intelligently and coherently interact with the e-population the way i would like to. most of all, i don’t want to purge all of my negative thoughts into this blog, have it become a huge bitchfest, and rename it “one maxi pad.”
this isn’t the end, guys and dolls. to quote john q, “it’s not goodbye, it’s see you later.”
as much as i despise so many facets of our monetary/class system (no, i’m not a “commie” or a marxist) and corporate politics, i sure do miss working for the man and makin’ decent dough. i hate taking money from my dad and brothers, and can’t help but spend every cent with immense guilt and regret. this job search is really taking a lot out of me, but i’m in no position to take a break from it. i’ve almost completely convinced myself that one of my past employers added my name to some sort of underground blacklist that every human resources manager has access to. this shit’s getting a little (a lot) ridiculous.
i had a phone interview with one of the human resources chicks at the major i mentioned before. we played voicemail tag for 24 hours before we finally got ahold of one another. at 8:45am, oy. i wasn’t even awake yet, so i sounded like an adult bullfrog in labor (mind you, when i’m fully awake i sound like a dying tadpole, so not too much better…), but she seemed to dig me, and to be caught off-guard and half-asleep, i don’t think i was too shabby. she told me i was “great” and that her superior would email me “soon” to schedule a face-to-face meeting. she even gave me her superior’s full name and phone number, so i really thought i had this shit in the bag.
…but that was a week ago.
and as of yesterday, the job opening has been removed from their website.
sigh.
what is “soon,” hr chick?! did you give my dream job to someone else? should i harass your boss and demand a crystal clear answer?
i’m trying not to freak out and over-analyze last week’s conversation (even though i’ve already done that at least 547 times over the past 7 days) and the meaning behind the mysterious disappearance of the job posting, because homegirl is the head of the human resources department at one of the top film and television studios in the world, and i’m sure she has more important things to tend to than entry-level employment requisitions… but i’m bummin’ out, guys. i really, really want this job. a hundred times more than any of the others i applied to. usually, i’m able to stop myself from developing relationships with certain positions, but this job and i, we’re made for one another. it’s mine. and now i’m left feeling like i’ve been stood up on prom night. guess it’s back to the drawing board for me.
so obsessed with this song (and video) right now. the lyrics are kinda depressing because they remind me of a few of my relationships and how ridiculously one-sided they are, but the background vocals are so michael jackson (and if you know me, you will know what a disgustingly huge compliment this is), and i just can’t help but wear out the replay button on my iPod. plus, bruno’s just so damn cute. if you don’t like the song, you can at least enjoy looking at his adorable (though pain-stricken) wittle face as he pulls an upright piano across the city, awww.
i feel you, marcia.
