fuq adulthood

i feel you, marcia.

bleh. lately i’ve been in this perpetual mood where nothing makes sense and i no longer even have the energy to question why. as a kid growing up, you have these big visions and dreams of how things will change and what life will be like once you reach “adulthood.” and then you get there and you can’t help but shake your head in disbelief, realizing that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, and feeling like you’ve been had… duped… the victim of a cruel hoax! i guess the old folks weren’t bullshitting when they’d try to assuage me with, “you’ll understand when you’re older.” or “just wait ’til you’re actually there.”

what we really come to understand is that regardless of who we work for or how we dress or where we hang out, we’re all just laying our own heads down at night, filled with personal dramas and individual tragedies. and you can think that you know what life’s like for someone else, but all we really know is that it’s different for all of us. then on top of that mental shit, there’s an entire world of sufferers out there with greater, “real”er problems than that, and you can’t help but feel guilt. i mean, who am i to cry about my social anxiety every day when there are people that are a 2-minute walk away from my front door who have no home, or a 12-hour plane ride away who are victims of the devastating earthquake? situations like the ones in japan and libya and haiti and chile and wherever else snatch you right out of that little bubble world where you’re president, and bring you right back to reality—the reality where you’re just a scratch on the surface, a cog in the machine that is the universe. kind of scary, kind of sad, but ultimately just confusing—though i’d say these thoughts might be typical for the standard early 20-something. then again, i wouldn’t exactly call myself standard, either…

i need that little jolt of inspiration again. i need some excitement, some uncertainty, something new. like back when i was small and i could only hope and dream and imagine about who i’d become instead of feeling like i’d seen all there is to a stale world. but i’m feeling like this might be part of the reason i still feel like such a little girl. i’m still in shock and disbelief that this is all there is to my adulthood, almost like i’m rebelling against “growing up” until my dream life makes itself known. but i’m still young, and just around the corner is a whole new season ahead of me to get back into the groove of shit and work towards that dream life, so i refuse to fret. what’s the best way to wake your senses and get out of a mental/emotional slump, huh? vacation? juice fast? haircut? seriously, i appreciate any input—months of indecisive weather and condensed kreplach have finally taken their toll on me!