bleh. lately i’ve been in this perpetual mood where nothing makes sense and i no longer even have the energy to question why. as a kid growing up, you have these big visions and dreams of how things will change and what life will be like once you reach “adulthood.” and then you get there and you can’t help but shake your head in disbelief, realizing that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, and feeling like you’ve been had… duped… the victim of a cruel hoax! i guess the old folks weren’t bullshitting when they’d try to assuage me with, “you’ll understand when you’re older.” or “just wait ’til you’re actually there.”
what we really come to understand is that regardless of who we work for or how we dress or where we hang out, we’re all just laying our own heads down at night, filled with personal dramas and individual tragedies. and you can think that you know what life’s like for someone else, but all we really know is that it’s different for all of us. then on top of that mental shit, there’s an entire world of sufferers out there with greater, “real”er problems than that, and you can’t help but feel guilt. i mean, who am i to cry about my social anxiety every day when there are people that are a 2-minute walk away from my front door who have no home, or a 12-hour plane ride away who are victims of the devastating earthquake? situations like the ones in japan and libya and haiti and chile and wherever else snatch you right out of that little bubble world where you’re president, and bring you right back to reality—the reality where you’re just a scratch on the surface, a cog in the machine that is the universe. kind of scary, kind of sad, but ultimately just confusing—though i’d say these thoughts might be typical for the standard early 20-something. then again, i wouldn’t exactly call myself standard, either…
i need that little jolt of inspiration again. i need some excitement, some uncertainty, something new. like back when i was small and i could only hope and dream and imagine about who i’d become instead of feeling like i’d seen all there is to a stale world. but i’m feeling like this might be part of the reason i still feel like such a little girl. i’m still in shock and disbelief that this is all there is to my adulthood, almost like i’m rebelling against “growing up” until my dream life makes itself known. but i’m still young, and just around the corner is a whole new season ahead of me to get back into the groove of shit and work towards that dream life, so i refuse to fret. what’s the best way to wake your senses and get out of a mental/emotional slump, huh? vacation? juice fast? haircut? seriously, i appreciate any input—months of indecisive weather and condensed kreplach have finally taken their toll on me!
ugh, i think i’m sick with some kind of weather-induced illness, but everyone keeps telling me it’s nothing but a bad case of allergies. the drool on my pillow wakes me up at least once every hour and there isn’t much i can do about it since i can’t breathe through my nostrils at night. swallowing even the tiniest swig of water feels like i’m downing shotglasses full of improperly chewed tortilla chips. my eyes are blurry and sting from sleep deprivation. i’m not usually one of those people who act like huge babies when they’re sick, but i’m thisclose to bunking with my mama tonight and having her rub my back with vick’s vaporub as i fall asleep.
i’m thinking that the cure for this untimely bug is a climatic change. i don’t know what the current outlook is looking like in other parts of the world, but here in southern california, it’s colder than the antithesis of hell. my flaking skin, achy throat, and crystalline boogers are on their hands and knees begging for the summer sun. alas, it looks like rain, snow (!!), heavy winds, and degrees below 50 (aka intolerable for native angelenos) are in the week’s forecast. so, for the time being i’m depending on the characters in some of my favorite beach movies to help me think warm thoughts and soak up some imaginary sunrays. nurses annette funicello and sandra dee, to my rescue!
i was going to publish a somewhat dark post, but i’ve decided to put it off ’til later. gloominess is off-limits today, because it’s my 22nd birthday! happy birthday to me! and to bobby flay, raven-symone, dan blocker, emily dickinson, meg white, michael clarke duncan, susan dey, kenneth branagh, and all my other good company. if it’s your birthday and you so happen to read this: happy birthday to you, too!
so far, my birthday has been spent:
completing phase three of mission: organized chaos (post coming soon!).
eating lukewarm condensed kreplach straight outta the can (i know, right? i’ve hit a new low.).
clicking through the archives of some of my new favorite blogs (1, 2, 3).
job-hunting. >:(
consuming a gluttonous amount of sushi and cookie cake with my family at parker’s lighthouse.
convincing strangers that i’m indeed 22 and not 16. now i just tell people that i look really young because i was bitten by a vampire in 11th grade.
now i’m off to snuggle with my puppy and bunny and watch today’s dvr’d ep of general hospital! feel free to judge me.
a few months ago via some random tumblr, i came across this video of an adorable, positive little girl who thinks her whole life is great. i am no doubt a natural pessimist (or maybe i’m a natural optimist that became a synthetic pessimist due to the disappointment other humans tend to offer me), and it’s not a personality trait that i’m proud of or attracted to, so lately i’ve been trying to get a handle on it. enter jessica’s “daily affirmation.” ever since i watched this video for the very first time, i’ve made it a habit to say my own “affirmations” every so often to ward off the pessimistic and cynical parasites that gnaw away at my brain more often than i’d like them to. it’s kinda cheese, but it’s a much better option than the alternative: sulking, pouting, criticizing, and complaining about anything and everything while bringing down the moods of those around you. even when my affirmations are really silly (i like my coloring pencils!), they still manage to brighten my mood and attitude.
i feel you, marcia.
