bleh. lately i’ve been in this perpetual mood where nothing makes sense and i no longer even have the energy to question why. as a kid growing up, you have these big visions and dreams of how things will change and what life will be like once you reach “adulthood.” and then you get there and you can’t help but shake your head in disbelief, realizing that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, and feeling like you’ve been had… duped… the victim of a cruel hoax! i guess the old folks weren’t bullshitting when they’d try to assuage me with, “you’ll understand when you’re older.” or “just wait ’til you’re actually there.”

what we really come to understand is that regardless of who we work for or how we dress or where we hang out, we’re all just laying our own heads down at night, filled with personal dramas and individual tragedies. and you can think that you know what life’s like for someone else, but all we really know is that it’s different for all of us. then on top of that mental shit, there’s an entire world of sufferers out there with greater, “real”er problems than that, and you can’t help but feel guilt. i mean, who am i to cry about my social anxiety every day when there are people that are a 2-minute walk away from my front door who have no home, or a 12-hour plane ride away who are victims of the devastating earthquake? situations like the ones in japan and libya and haiti and chile and wherever else snatch you right out of that little bubble world where you’re president, and bring you right back to reality—the reality where you’re just a scratch on the surface, a cog in the machine that is the universe. kind of scary, kind of sad, but ultimately just confusing—though i’d say these thoughts might be typical for the standard early 20-something. then again, i wouldn’t exactly call myself standard, either…

i need that little jolt of inspiration again. i need some excitement, some uncertainty, something new. like back when i was small and i could only hope and dream and imagine about who i’d become instead of feeling like i’d seen all there is to a stale world. but i’m feeling like this might be part of the reason i still feel like such a little girl. i’m still in shock and disbelief that this is all there is to my adulthood, almost like i’m rebelling against “growing up” until my dream life makes itself known. but i’m still young, and just around the corner is a whole new season ahead of me to get back into the groove of shit and work towards that dream life, so i refuse to fret. what’s the best way to wake your senses and get out of a mental/emotional slump, huh? vacation? juice fast? haircut? seriously, i appreciate any input—months of indecisive weather and condensed kreplach have finally taken their toll on me!

not that artist rob sato has anything to do with said books, but his work did remind me of them in the way that his pieces are so detailed, one picture being created through the culmination of many smaller ones. i was turned on to him by my brother, who bought his “elysian park” print for his new apartment. i’m definitely more partial to his newer work, which is a little bit darker and a lot more intricate. i spy with my big, round eye…

check him out.

is it just me or is the logic behind greenlighting this movie completely messed up? i was watching this film for the first time a few hours ago—i believe it was on hbo—and i was gobsmacked that someone actually gave the okay on this.

i mean, lorne michaels has produced some pretty bad snl movies, but most of ‘em came out in the ’90s, when it was easier to get a movie made, and when snl was coming off what could arguably be considered its best five-year stretch (the farley, sandler, myers, spade, hartman run).

but while i was watching this movie, i got a little irritated. why? because all you hear about in la (or film school, to be more specific) is how hard it is to make movies nowadays. and i don’t mean the low(er) budget, straight-to-the-festival-circuit types, i’m talking studio-backed, wide-released movies. it’s too expensive, people don’t want to take risks, etc., etc.

then what the fuck is macgruber? how was this not a huge risk? has there ever been a good snl crossover movie? night at the roxbury, maybe? i don’t even know. i’m struggling to think of one here. and to make it worse, this skit isn’t even funny in its original format. that’s the part that gets me. if i were one of the suits, i would’ve seriously greenlit a 3-hour epic based on “the barry gibb talk show” before i gave this a thumbs up. at least stuart saves his family was based on a mildly amusing skit. even superstar had a few choice moments, but this right here just fucks with my head.

if you had a dog that kept crapping on your bathroom rug, would you put him in the bedroom hoping he’d improve with the more expensive carpeting? no, you wouldn’t. because that’s just ridiculous.

i’m doing 1,000% better, though not much has changed.

i ran into my favorite graphic novel/comic book writer at a local bookstore.

he told me i was intelligent, insightful and “exceptionally aware of [my]self.”

he also told me to “keep in touch.” you have no idea how important i feel right now.

and one of my favorite directors passed away.

seriously sad.

going to be giving this blog some much deserved tlc asap, so don’t touch that mf-ing dial!

thanks for your patience, guys and dolls.

this was my response:

1/28/11
Dear ________,

Mari

KIDDING. i sure was tempted to send that, though.

looks like it’s back to the grind for me. hr chick said she’s keeping my name at the top of the list of candidates for upcoming opportunities. that’s sweet of her, but i’m done holding my breath with these people. i’m already red in the face from this last merry-go-round she spun me on.

in other news, i’ve decided to take a break from this blog for a little while. actually, i’m taking a break from socializing on the internet, period. i deleted my facebook, deactivated a couple forum accounts, and twitter’s next. nothing particularly horrible or traumatizing has happened (more like the amalgamation of minor annoyances and incidents that have spiked my anxiety levels), i’m just in a weird limbo state right now and i haven’t been compelled to share much. i think between planning to transfer schools, having shit luck finding a job, pets dying, siblings moving, and everything in between, i just have no energy to intelligently and coherently interact with the e-population the way i would like to. most of all, i don’t want to purge all of my negative thoughts into this blog, have it become a huge bitchfest, and rename it “one maxi pad.”

this isn’t the end, guys and dolls. to quote john q, “it’s not goodbye, it’s see you later.”

i had a phone interview with one of the human resources chicks at the major i mentioned before. we played voicemail tag for 24 hours before we finally got ahold of one another. at 8:45am, oy. i wasn’t even awake yet, so i sounded like an adult bullfrog in labor (mind you, when i’m fully awake i sound like a dying tadpole, so not too much better…), but she seemed to dig me, and to be caught off-guard and half-asleep, i don’t think i was too shabby. she told me i was “great” and that her superior would email me “soon” to schedule a face-to-face meeting. she even gave me her superior’s full name and phone number, so i really thought i had this shit in the bag.

…but that was a week ago.

and as of yesterday, the job opening has been removed from their website.

sigh.

what is “soon,” hr chick?! did you give my dream job to someone else? should i harass your boss and demand a crystal clear answer?

i’m trying not to freak out and over-analyze last week’s conversation (even though i’ve already done that at least 547 times over the past 7 days) and the meaning behind the mysterious disappearance of the job posting, because homegirl is the head of the human resources department at one of the top film and television studios in the world, and i’m sure she has more important things to tend to than entry-level employment requisitions… but i’m bummin’ out, guys. i really, really want this job. a hundred times more than any of the others i applied to. usually, i’m able to stop myself from developing relationships with certain positions, but this job and i, we’re made for one another. it’s mine. and now i’m left feeling like i’ve been stood up on prom night. guess it’s back to the drawing board for me.

→ i honestly didn’t even attempt to wake up early. however, i did manage to get to sleep at around 12-1am every night. i still woke up 12 hours later, though — and that’s with a nap earlier in the day! i swear, i’m a puppy. i can sleep 14+ hours a day, no problem. i’ve gotta get this in check, though. one of my job prospects requires me to be up ‘n at ‘em by 6am. i’m not even sure when these eyes last saw the world at 6am.

→ speaking of job prospects, i got a call back today from one of the majors (brb, shaking&crying) about a potential job. let’s all cross our fingers and toes that i will soon be able to strike “find a job” off my list of things to do.

→ i actually haven’t eaten any jewish soup this week, which is unheard of. i literally survive off of cookies, cheese toast, lentil soup, potato kreplach, and chicken matzo ball soup.

→ you will be proud to hear that i’ve only called one person a dickface in the past 8 days. and that dickface deserved it.

→ sadly, i didn’t grow any balls. i take that back, i think one of my testes dropped last night during an altercation. but, i ran into an undesirable person at the movies the other day, and even though i wanted to express to him how angry he makes me, i ended up spending 10 minutes idly chatting with him about the current state of the film industry without saying a single word about how i felt and hating myself for having the worst level of confidence in the world. sure, i can write a 20 page letter telling you how much i can’t stand your actions, but tell you in person? WHAT?! no thanks. let’s just hug it out… please?

some new goals:

→ quit being adorable and/or charming, you attract too many people that way, and that’s the last thing you need right now.

→ do not have any social outings that require you to take out your wallet and save what little money you have so that you and your pets won’t starve to death. actually, don’t go out at all, because going out requires driving your car (since you haven’t quite learned how to ride your bike!) and driving your car means giving british petroleum 3 and a half dollars to the gallon. you can’t afford it so don’t do it!!

→ sincerely practice verbally and articulately expressing yourself to the right people.

→ take into consideration actually replying to the craigslist ads under the “adult gigs” section. you could get easy cash just by selling your used underwear, peeing on people, watching pornos with creeps, and so on. (kidding, guys, kidding!)

→ and, oh yeah, GET A JOB.

but how do i expect myself to accomplish any of these goals when i can’t even bring myself to stop watching this video on repeat?

ugh, i think i’m sick with some kind of weather-induced illness, but everyone keeps telling me it’s nothing but a bad case of allergies. the drool on my pillow wakes me up at least once every hour and there isn’t much i can do about it since i can’t breathe through my nostrils at night. swallowing even the tiniest swig of water feels like i’m downing shotglasses full of improperly chewed tortilla chips. my eyes are blurry and sting from sleep deprivation. i’m not usually one of those people who act like huge babies when they’re sick, but i’m thisclose to bunking with my mama tonight and having her rub my back with vick’s vaporub as i fall asleep.

i’m thinking that the cure for this untimely bug is a climatic change. i don’t know what the current outlook is looking like in other parts of the world, but here in southern california, it’s colder than the antithesis of hell. my flaking skin, achy throat, and crystalline boogers are on their hands and knees begging for the summer sun. alas, it looks like rain, snow (!!), heavy winds, and degrees below 50 (aka intolerable for native angelenos) are in the week’s forecast. so, for the time being i’m depending on the characters in some of my favorite beach movies to help me think warm thoughts and soak up some imaginary sunrays. nurses annette funicello and sandra dee, to my rescue!